Simplicity is good

Being concise is fantastic. From the title of this post, you can instantly see that being straightforward is something I admire. This largely originates from people (mainly marketers) favouring elaborate descriptions over saying it as it is.

I have 2 examples:

1. Menus:

Take any gastro pub and you’ll find ‘pan-fried’ something or other and some kind of extravagant fillet of a never-before-heard breed of cow. This is over-complication at its worst. It's just poncy people trying to justify charging a premium. How else do you want your chicken fried if not in a pan? I can’t remember the last time the chef cooked it in the palm of his hand, or put it on the hot tap and hoped it cooked. Just call it fried chicken. The fancy beef is just fillet steak. Simple. I like fillet steak.

Chicken. Frying. In a pan (unsurprisingly)

2. Shampoo

This is something that frustrates me immensely. All of the brands do it. There is always some new ‘nourishing eco-complex multi-regenerational liquid moisturising’ agent that has been added. What’s more it has been given an approval rating by 78% of women. Or has it? Take a look at the small print and they asked 87 women. I’m not statistician but I’m sure that’s not a representative survey.

I’m sure someone at L’Oreal, P&G or wherever has worked bloody hard to make the new ingredient, but at the end of the day IT’S SHAMPOO!!!! It’s going to be pretty similar to the other shampoos that people have been using for the last 25 years,  it just might smell a bit different.

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Children should be barred

People and alcohol is a sacrosanct relationship. It helps us through bad times (ignore those councillors who say it’s bad) and makes the good times even better. At the end of a stressful day, my nice friend Miss Stella Artois and her colleague John Smith are there to calm the nerves, put the world in perspective and make everything better.

To improve things further, we make it a social occasion and meet up with friends. The world can be held to account, we can berate idiots and unite in drunken revelry.

Happy Drunk

Now I’ve documented before how Thai Food can ruin  things, there’s another one to add to the list. CHILDREN.

Who/what/why and when did it become acceptable for children to be around adults in bars? I’m all for sociable family restaurants, but I draw the line at bars. They’re adult places. We (I) want to talk about tits, football, work, tits, politics, beer etc... without the ear-drum piecing squeal of a hyper-active child cutting through the atmosphere. Hotel bars are worst. Parents think that they can get away with having their kids in bars because they’re on holiday and they can keep their kids up longer. Well, you can’t. I want to be able to swear, shout and spill beer without the fear of teaching about gynaecology and using words they shouldn't hear for another 10 years. It’s an adult place, your child should be in bed you mindless, inconsiderate fool.

Annoying Child

What makes it worse is that they then have the audacity to tell you to be quiet, give you evil looks or insist on staying in the bar out of principle. You people should take a step back for a second, look at where you are and then realise you’re wrong. The bar is for people like me. Not you. And certainly not that mis-behaving, crying little shit that just spilled coke on my shoe.