Is that a question?

It's a growing disease. More and people are doing it, even close family and friends. The endemic of which I speak is ending a sentence in a higher tone than you began speaking in, particularly the final word. It makes every sentence sound like a question. For me the only question is "why the hell are they talking like an absolute cretin?".

I think it started with Neighbours then spread to UK youth programmes such as Hollyoaks and is widespread across the US too.

For me it can ruin the most pleasant of anecdotes and send the most average story to the depths of hideous dispair.

I struggle with it hugely because it's usually loud people who do it and I can't stand unnecessary volume. I see it as an intrusion into my personal being. Why should my ears be filled with your inadequate stories at hideous volumes served with the bitter pill of a statement being delivered as a question?

It's unnecessary so please, please stop.

Thanks

Etiquette is important

Etiquette is important. It helps avoid many uncomfortable situations and in most cases helps life flow a little more easily. Take men's urinals for example (not that there are women's urinals to the best of my knowledge). One of the foundations of toilet etiquette comes when a toilet has 2 urinals and at least one cubicle. Let's say one man is already in the toilet standing at the urinal doing whatever he needs to do. At that point, another chap walks in and has 2 choices:

1. use the spare urinal
2. use the cubicle

The only choice in my eyes is to go for Option 2. It's nothing to do with embarrassment over size or anything else, it's just polite. A man should have space to wee in peace without anyone sidling up next to him. If Option 1 is chosen the whole scenario changes as you wonder whether to acknowledge the person (only consider this if they're a friend, never if they're a stranger) and this in itself means that you have to look at another man while weeing. I don't like this myself, I feel a bit like a cat when you catch it going to the toilet. They really don't like that.

For more on toilet etiquette check this video out. As you can see, it's a minefield.

My most recent etiquette issue came when out for dinner with my girlfriend. For some reason she never, ever, places her knife and fork correctly. See image here. Instead, she always places them as though she's finished like this. It might not seem like a major issue and you may call me grumpy (please do, it's true) but it has led to waiters trying to take her plate while we're having a little rest to talk, drink etc... It also indicates to me that I might be able to finish off one of the dishes on the table, say the grilled haloumi that I've had my eye on during the meal, or the piece of vine leaf that's sitting uneaten on the plate. It is, of course, not OK for me to eat them and I should've known better that to have taken the internationally recognised 'meal finished' arrangement of the knife and fork to be true in this instance.

Now, can I get the bill? (do internationally recognised waggle imaginary pen over imaginary piece of paper gesture)

The Red Button

This is probably my biggest pet hate and one that I'm sure I'll blog and tweet about more in the future. The Red Button. The fulcrum of the interactive tv world. The solution to save TV advertising. The gateway to all that is magical, unique and incredible about digital TV. What a load of rubbish.

Why oh why do Sky (and the BBC) think that it will improve my viewing pleasure by placing a blob on the bottom right of my screen? If I'm watching football, there's only 1 ball that I want to watch. I don't need unwanted distractions and I really, really resent having to press the backup button to get rid of it. My housemates and girlfriend find it funny/irritating that after each ad break (and sometimes more often) I have to request that the backup button is pressed. I'll end up with RSI from pressing it myself, too.

I'm not buying that it opens up possibilities to explore new functions. I'm watching football. I don't need extra functions. When I'm at a match in the flesh, I don't sit there wishing that there was a blob hovering in the corner of my eye giving me the chance to place a bet or check the line up. Why then would I want that at home? I pay a princely sum each month to watch live football on Sky, I don't want anything obscuring the view.

If anything, the BBC are worse at this. They have a hideous yellow bar covering up to 4% of the screen.

The Red Button isn't totally useless and I don't deny that that some of the functionality is useful, it's just the constant annoying presence that gets to me. By all means promote it verbally before the game, in commentary or even post a temporary onscreen message that interactivity is possible. Just don't ruin my viewing by having it there.

The life of The Red Button gets even more annoying when watching the news. They NEVER press backup when recording clips, so, when they play some highlights The Bloody Red Button is on the highlights and I jump instantly to the remote, press backup and immediately feel a fool when the button doesn't disappear. The Red Button has tricked me, embarrassed me and taunted me.

If I can make one plea for a gift this Christmas it will be for no more Red Button. We all know we can watch interactive football, X Factor, Children in Need, News, Athletics, Music videos, Gameshows etc. We're not stupid enough to need a constant reminder.

Please, please someone hear my cry and destroy The Red Button.

p.s. I love you Backup button. Without you my pain would manifest itself ten fold.

Getting a handle on it

It's been a few days so time for another grumpy whinge to brighten your day.

I'm not sure if this is a gender specific complaint, but one thing that has always bugged me is the handles on doors when you leave the toilet. Toilets are a pretty grim place at the best of times so it's important to wash your hands after whatever you may have just done in the loo.

My problem comes after you've washed your hands, dried them and then go to leave. Most toilets have some kind of looped handle that, for me, is the perfect breeding ground for germs. Not everyone dries their hands fully (although the new powerful hand dryers help) so people put their damp hands on the handle. This means that me, with my lovely clean and dry hands, then get damp and dirty hands straight away. Most unpleasant.

Now, this problem is bad enough is you assume that everybody who uses the toilet cleans their hands to the same impeccable standard as I do. I know that this is not the case. It amazes me that people, even at work, don't wash their hands. Some argue that they prefer not to as the know where their bits have gone so they don't feel the need to touch other surfaces or soap or whatever. This is rubbish. Total rubbish, as infections in hospitals from airborne germs prove.

As with most of my complaints, I have a solution and it's dead simple. Change the way toilet doors are hung. If you had to pull a handle on the way in, it doesn't matter! Hands are dry and the handle won't be wet. You can push to leave, meaning no nasty surprises. Swing doors and automatic sliding doors would also work.

Vernon Kay

How did we end up in this terrbile situation in which Vernon Kay is one of the leading broadcasters in this country? At what point did standards slip so low? He has no talent, he's too loud and clearly has very little going on behind his eyes.

He seems like a reasonably nice man but by those standards we'll soon be watching a monkey in a suit presenting the lottery. Actually that might be a good way to make it more entertaining.

While we're on the subject of the lottery, next time you watch them release the balls look out for the massive con that they put on every week. That big, colourful button that some Z-lister or another presses does nothing. The actual release is made by the independent adjudicator lurking in the backgound. He flicks a little switch. Fact.

It's the spits

Basic manners are one of the foundations of civilised society. They cost nothing but their value is priceless, a bit like a mastercard ad.

One of the most basic manners is keeping your oral fluids in your mouth. It's something that I've managed to do all my life with little difficulty. Why is it then that some people, including an anonymous friend, find it OK to spit on the street? It's disgusting, unnecessary and spreads disease.

I think some people just don't get why you shouldn't do it and others are just too lazy to care. My worst experience was when I was at uni. I was walking through Farringdon and a complete moron turned around and went to spit on the floor. At just that point, I walked past him and his spit landed on my arm. As you can imagine, I wasn't terribly impressed and I don't expect I'm the only person this has happened to.

I have 2 solutions:

1. Don't spit. You can swallow. Stop giggling at the back please.
2. Carry a tissue. People have been blowing their noses in them for decades - you can spit in one too. It's more hygenic than a handkerchief - they're a foul concept.

I include all sportsmen in this too. There's no reason why a footballer couldn't keep a tissue in their sock and spit into in when they feel the need. In fact, I'd get them on board first so that people can see the example they set. There could even be an official tissue supplier to the Premier League - see, it will be hygenic and make money. What could be simpler?

It's rubbish

So, there's a bin next to my desk at work. A regular bin, nothing out of the ordinary about it and I'm happy to have it there. However, there's one crucial problem about it - the size of the bags that the cleaners put in it. As soon as you place anything in there it comes loose and you have to put your hands in there (with colleagues' gum, napkins and swine flu tissues) to sort it out.

Now don't get me wrong, it's a great situation to have a bin there. Many people would love to have a ready supply of bins that are regularly emptied, and I do too. But why can't they put big enough bags in there? Surely the cleaners must get annoyed with the situation as people (not me) start slopping their waste down the side of the bin. This then needs cleaning which requires cleaning products, time and effort. All for the sake of a badly sized bag.

Surely a simple thing to rectify but nobody seems to care enough to do anything about it.

p.s. the bags are a bit thin too and don't take to plastic cutlery well but I'll save that for another day.